A classmate shouts ‘Speak up!’ as you’re presenting your work; a teacher suggests you raise your hand more in lessons, a friend calls you the quiet one of the group. None of this is meant unkindly, but somehow these comments imply there’s something wrong with being quiet. It also hurts. What’s wrong with keeping to yourself, after all, and why do some people feel the need to draw attention to it?
What does it even mean to be quiet? It’s defined as ‘being reserved, introverted and modest’, while ‘introverted’ can be explained as being solitary and thoughtful. These descriptions are all okay, though, so why does it feel hurtful when people point it out? Well, partly because it’s stating the obvious, but also it can feel judgemental and make you think you need to change your behaviour. But if being quiet is a part of who you are, then there’s nothing wrong with it and there’s no reason to change. Importantly, your family and the friends who really know you will value these qualities in you.
The thing is, quietness is often misunderstood, with some people assuming they know the reasons why a person is reserved. You might already know, however, that assumptions can be dangerous. As the saying goes: ‘When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.’
Don’t assume
Sometimes people assume that quiet people…
…are shy
Although it might seem this way, this isn’t typical. For the most part, quiet folk (just like their shy peers) are as sociable as the next person. But many people take time to open up to new faces, which can make them seem timid at first. Once they get to know you, they’re more comfortable.
…are sad, moody or rude
It might look like this on the outside, but on the inside a quiet person can feel happy and content. Many people don’t always want or need to talk and are fine just sitting in their own company or listening to others.
…are boring
Not so! But quiet people are often underestimated because others misread the fact that they might not jump around and shout. They’re still sociable and friendly, but sometimes choose to sit at the side for a while.
The fact is, there are many reasons for quietness and they won’t be the same for everyone. A person might feel intimidated in large groups, worry about being judged if they speak in front of people they don’t know or be concerned about voicing views that differ from the majority. Whatever the reason, quiet people of all ages are everywhere and there’s no reason for them to change.
This won’t stop others reminding you that you’re quiet, so be prepared. You could get ready a few set responses for different situations. Here are a few you might try:
‘Yes. I’m just listening right now.’
‘Yes, but I’m really fine, honestly. Thanks for checking.’
‘I know. I don’t really know much about this. I’d like to do some research and then come back with some questions.’
‘I know, I’m just trying to work things out in my head. Can we talk later?’
If you’re in the quiet group, know that you’re not alone. Try to see it as another part of who you are, and embrace it. In a world that sometimes seems to thrive on big personalities, quietness can offer a rewarding vantage point.
Quietly does it
Practising quietness can bring many rewards, including:
Improved listening skills
This is really a kind of talent. Quiet people often listen patiently to conversations, rather than anticipating what people are going to say or speaking over the top when others are talking.
Increased creativity and contentment
Creativity often flows with a quiet environment and mind. Finding pleasure in calming activities, including art, meditation or reading, for example, can offer peace and calm.
Greater independence
Working in large groups can be overwhelming sometimes. Being able to work alone can bring enjoyment in your own company and an opportunity to listen to your own thoughts.
Expanded self-awareness
A quiet space can help you listen to yourself more and discover what’s best for you. Self-awareness is important to understand your own emotions, as well as those that your friends, family and other students might be experiencing.
If you’re quiet but feel it’s affecting your life in ways that make you unhappy and that you’d like to change, then try to break the silence. Talk to a trusted adult, maybe a teacher, the school nurse or a guardian. If talking face to face feels too much, visit Childline at childline.org.uk or call 0800 1111.