How do you respond when a teacher, coach or parent credits you for doing something well? Receiving praise can be lovely, but it might also make you feel shy or embarrassed at being singled out.
What about when someone says you need to improve? It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when you receive homework from a teacher who’s pointed out some errors, but it’s important to learn how to extract the elements that matter to you without letting it knock your confidence.
Is it friendly?
Before you consider someone’s feedback, it’s important to be sure the comments are intended to help you improve. If not, time spent mulling them over might be wasted.
Secondly, is it coming from an expert in the field? A maths teacher can comment on your calculations, your swimming coach can offer tips on your backstroke, but being open to feedback doesn’t mean taking everyone’s views on board. Feedback is not the same as criticism, and it’s good to learn to distinguish between the two.
How can you improve?
It’s disheartening to be told your work could be better, so what can you do to gain something from the experience?
If a teacher gives you a low mark, find out why the work fell short. If you know you’re struggling with a particular area, ask them for help. Similarly, if a parent says you’ve done something wrong, see if they can describe how they’d like things to go next time.
As well as understanding what you can do to improve your skills, whether it’s in a sport, craft or academic subject, try not to let less-than-glowing feedback set you back or stop you doing something you love.
Everyone will receive seemingly negative feedback at some point in their lives, and it’s natural to have subjects you find challenging and others that come more easily.
Take a moment
It’s OK to be emotional after receiving what feels like negative feedback, and you don’t have to respond straightaway. If possible, go for a short walk. You could also write down what was said.
Consider if it was fair and accurate. If it’s challenging, it could be useful to talk to a parent or a trusted friend to give you another perspective on how to move forward.
Accept the positive
Feedback can also highlight what you’ve done well, but even this can be hard to manage. If you feel embarrassed by positive comments, rather than saying anything that diminishes your achievements, like ‘Oh, I wasn’t that good’ or ‘It was a fluke’, try responding with a simple ‘thank you’.
Whether you’ve scored a goal, aced a test or created a beautiful piece of artwork, think about what you can learn from the experience and the praise. What can you take forward and use in your next race or project? Remember the person giving you credit is doing so for a reason – their words are designed to do more than make you feel good.
Keep it relevant
Finding out where you can improve is great, but make sure you’re specific about which areas you want feedback on and whose views you’re interested in.
It can be as difficult to give feedback as it is to receive it, but the process becomes more worthwhile if people are clear on which aspects of their work they’d like to look at.
If you’re in a creative-writing class, for example, you might want to hear what others like best about your work so you can include more of it. Or you might prefer to ask the teacher to go over your weakest areas.
Ask specific questions to get useful answers, and if there’s an area that’s hard to understand, make sure to request to go over it again. You might disagree with some of the points made, and that’s OK. Extract the bits of information you feel you can work on.
Receiving feedback is part of life and it will come to you from all directions – family, friends, coaches and teachers. How you react and what you do in response is up to you.
Stay focused
When seeking others’ views, make sure the person has expertise in the relevant subject or area and that they want you to be the best you can be. Choose one subject – an art project or your backhand in tennis, for example. Try asking the questions here and keep in mind our top tip too
What am I doing well? Starting off with positives makes it easier to stay confident when discussing what isn’t going so well.
Which skills might help me improve? Request specific examples. If it goes off topic, bring it back to the area you’re interested in.
How can you help me? Once you’ve been given areas for improvement, ask for suggestions and advice. There might be a book or video clips that would be useful. Make sure you understand what’s being said and how you follow it up.
Top tip! It’s OK to take time to think about how someone’s suggestions make you feel and what your response will be.