If you’ve ever heard a friend or social media influencer saying ‘that’s my love language’, you may have wondered what they mean. Love languages are a way of understanding how different people show appreciation for each other. Perhaps you have a friend who always greets you with a warm hug, or a family member who never forgets a thoughtful present on your birthday. Understanding how you prefer to give and receive appreciation, and how your friends and family like to feel cared for, could be a stepping stone to happier interactions and fewer misunderstandings.
Where did they come from?
The concept of love languages has been around for more than three decades, and is based on the idea that people like to give and receive care in different ways. They were developed by American author and Baptist pastor Dr Gary Chapman in 1992, in his book The 5 Love Languages. In his role as a pastor, he counselled and helped couples with their relationships over many years, and he noted that people seemed to express love in five main ways: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Now the idea of love languages has been adopted more universally and used not just for romantic love, but also to improve relationships between families and friends. Even chat show host Oprah Winfrey talks about them on her website.
What’s my love language?
You can understand your own love language by thinking about the ways you respond to people, and the actions you take to show that you care.
Joanne Callan, from Newry, Northern Ireland, is a holistic therapist and uses the idea of love languages in her coaching. She says: ‘Sometimes I think of them as appreciation languages, rather than love, because they are about what makes people feel seen and valued, and that could be friends or family as well as romantic partners.’
Joanne gives the example of a group of friends where everyone might be different. One person might really appreciate a carefully chosen gift on their birthday, while another might prefer a movie night or sleepover.
Are they always right?
The idea of love languages does have critics as well as fans. In the spring of 2024, relationship scientists from the University of Toronto Mississauga published a study concluding that there is no simple formula for improving relationships. They argued that not everyone will fit into one of five categories – and that’s okay. Joanne agrees, saying: ‘Love languages can be part of the jigsaw puzzle and a helpful tool to understanding others, but humans aren’t black and white.’ She also points out that people who are neurodivergent can relate to others in different ways. For example, a friend with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) might find physical touch uncomfortable, but may really value quality time talking about their interests.
Whether you identify with one or more of the five love languages – or not – the idea that improving your overall understanding of how your loved ones give and receive appreciation, and how you like to be cared for yourself, can strengthen your relationships is a popular one.
Understanding different people’s preferences can also help to explain those times when you make what you believe to be a thoughtful gesture – such as sending a friend a supportive text, or offering to help with their homework – and they don’t seem to appreciate it.
‘Love languages can offer a bit of insight and act as a reminder that everyone is different,’ says Joanne. ‘Imagine how much easier life would be if people came with instruction manuals.’
The 5 love languages
Here are the five ways to show someone you care – which ones do you use?
Words of affirmation
Complimenting a friend on their new trainers, praising a classmate for a top test result or thanking a parent for cooking a lovely dinner are all verbal affirmations of care and attention. ‘Some people respond really well to praise and encouragement,’ says Joanne. ‘They may do things like writing heartfelt messages or cards. Words really matter to them.’
Acts of service
Doing the dishes after a family meal, helping a friend with their homework or offering to babysit a younger sibling are all acts of service. Being helpful really counts for some people. Joanne explains: ‘It’s often about noticing what somebody is doing for everyone else and stepping in to lighten their load.’
Quality time
It might be a dog walk with a sibling, a commitment to an after-school club with a friend or a regular family movie night. Joanne explains: ‘In a world where people are really busy and being pulled in different directions, prioritising quality connection can be a way to show how much you value someone.’
Gifts
Finding a new book in your friend’s favourite series, remembering people’s birthdays or gifting thoughtful homemade presents are all ways of communicating effort and showing that you have noticed a person’s preferences. Joanne says: ‘I often think of the time and effort a friend has spent choosing just the right gift.’
Physical touch
Holding a grandparent’s hand if they are unwell, greeting friends with a warm hug or sharing an affectionate cuddle with a pet can mean the world to people who thrive on physical connectedness. Joanne adds: ‘Something as simple as a pat on the back or a squeeze of the hand just lands differently if you value physical touch.’