From finding your way around to getting into the swing of a hectic timetable, starting a new school takes time and energy. There’s a lot to get used to and you might feel a little lost for a couple of weeks, but at least you know that pretty much everyone’s in the same boat.
Think how daunting it must be, then, if you’re the mid-year newcomer, the kid whose family have moved home to a fresh city or even country. That brings the added challenge of making new friends in an environment where everyone seems to be happily ensconced in well-established groups.
They have months, possibly years, of history together, of in-jokes, squabbles, successes and setbacks, which can feel overwhelming to a newcomer.
Acknowledge your emotions
‘You might feel initial anxiety about whether you’ll meet anyone you like,’ says Natalie Moore, a licensed therapist based in California in the US. ‘Or you may even feel fear about being an outcast.’
But she says there’s a dynamic side, too: ‘You could also have positive feelings about the transition, such as excitement or relief. This is because starting a new school… can give you a chance to reinvent yourself.
‘It’s an opportunity to show up more fully in your true identity, without any… past experiences holding you back.’
That doesn’t mean joining established friendship groups is easy. But it can be exciting and rewarding to make more connections, learn about a new person or group of people and find your way around a new school environment in the process.
Think about a sense of belonging
Humans have an in-built need to belong, and friendships are an important part of this – being with others is about many things, including feeling connected, supported and liked. So, if you’re yearning to reach out in a new environment, be reassured that it’s a natural human desire.
With established friends, however, where the sense of belonging is strong, some might feel threatened by a newcomer. This is natural, too, so try not to take it personally if people aren’t immediately welcoming. Not everyone is 100% confident in themselves and, for some, it takes a while to feel comfortable enough to invite others into their lives.
Explore which groups might be for you
While some groups will be open to expanding their friendship circle, others might want to keep things closed. It could depend on the length of time they’ve known each other, as well as how often they spend time together.
Groups with looser or newer connections, who have fewer regular outings, for example, might be easier to join than those whose history goes back to first school and includes weekly sleepovers.
Be kind to yourself
Connections are fragile at the beginning of any friendship, but as a newcomer, it’s possible you’ll have to do more of the running. You might also feel uncomfortable and say things that feel unfunny or out of place. This is natural at any age.
‘Making friends in a new environment is tough,’ says Natalie. ‘Be kind to yourself if you say something awkward or make a social faux pas. Most likely, you’ve noticed it more than anyone else did. Say to yourself “You’ve got this!” or “Stick with it” when you notice yourself wanting to give up and hide.’
Stay true to you
When trying to fit in, it’s tempting to go along with views that don’t reflect what you believe in. But try to be yourself. If you feel you’re always hiding your true thoughts and opinions, it’s a sign that the friendship group isn’t for you anyway.
As the weeks and months go by, friendship will come. It might be that it’s with an existing friendship group or, equally as valuable, with just one other person. Either way, Natalie says: ‘With time, you’ll find your people.’
Group think
A few ideas on how to make new friends
Take the initiative
‘Be sure not to engage in avoidance tactics,’ says Natalie. ‘Have you ever seen the kid who sits in the bathroom stall and eats their lunch there? Although avoiding social interaction provides relief in the short term, it can make things more difficult in the long run. Face the fear and put yourself out there socially.’
Be prepared for awkwardness
If you do identify a group of people who share your values and interests, ask if it’s OK to sit with them at lunchtime. Remember, everyone knows you’re new, so it won’t be totally unexpected. Sometimes, you’ll hit it off straightaway, but often it’ll take work. It’s also possible that other people might be shy and feel awkward about talking to someone they don’t know. And some groups might unintentionally seem to exclude you by reverting to in-jokes and references to past events. Try not to feel left out.
Think strategically
It might seem strange, but one way to join a friendship group is to go where they go. If, for example, you’ve noticed a friendly seeming group of art students and you love sketching and painting, join the after-school art class, if there is one. Chances are you might then hit it off with one or two of the group and, before you know it, you’ll be included in their plans – or you could initiate some of your own and invite them. You could also do the same with extracurricular coding, gaming, football or music activities.
Build on existing connections
Think about whether you already have contact with one of the members – for example, in a cricket team, and see if you can expand on that friendship. You could ask them, for instance, if they’d be happy to introduce you to their other friends. Or, if you find yourself at a school event where you see one of your cricket pal’s friends, you could go up and say ‘Hi, I’m on the cricket team with your friend Jess,’ and then try to establish a connection with them, too.