A friend wrongly blames you for starting a rumour about them. How do you react? Do you say nothing to avoid a confrontation, but later wish you’d stood up for yourself? Or do you get angry, shout and insult them to anyone who’ll listen? You can respond to situations in different ways. It is possible to react in a way that gets your opinion across while not offending others or ignoring your own views. We generally respond to others in one of three ways: passively, aggressively or assertively. Learning how to respond assertively can help you strike this balance.
Passive
This response often involves saying or doing nothing. It lacks confidence and avoids the problem. People who respond passively might:
- Not say what they want or believe.
- Keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves.
- Go along with things they’re uncomfortable with.
- Act as if they’re not as important as other people.
- Feel guilty, helpless or resentful.
- Have low self-respect.
Example: You’re in a meeting with a teacher who is helping you to decide which optional subjects to take. Your favourite subjects are French and art and you’d like to do these. The teacher suggests that you take history and geography as you scored highly on your last assessments in those subjects. You don’t like to disagree, so you nod and write those subjects on the form, but you regret this later.
Aggressive
This kind of response can involve anger, violence and physical or verbal attacks. People who respond aggressively might:
Interrupt or shout over others.
Intimidate, threaten, dismiss or insult.
Consider only their own feelings and not those of others.
Leave others feeling bad.
Feel angry.
Tell others their opinions are silly, stupid or worthless.
Try to control what others think, say or do.
Example: You’re working with a small group of other students on a task in class. You think your idea is the best and become fed up with others giving their suggestions. You interrupt them and tell them their ideas won’t work, upsetting them. You start to talk more and more loudly about your plan, ignoring what they say. When the teacher approaches your table to discuss progress you tell her the group’s going with your idea and don’t let the others speak.
Assertive
This type of response is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. It involves expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly and openly, while respecting both you and the other person. You exercise your personal rights without denying the rights of others.
Individuals who are assertive are generally more able to resolve conflict, they feel more confident, make more positive choices and are able to say ‘no’ to peer pressure. Being assertive is a sought-after skill which many people continue to develop throughout their lives, so don’t be discouraged if you find responding in this way difficult to start with.
Example: Your friends want to go to the cinema at the weekend but you don’t enjoy it and it’s expensive. You’d rather use your pocket money for something else. When you’ve hinted you don’t want to go, you feel like they’re trying to talk you into joining them.
An assertive response might be to say: ‘I won’t come to the cinema thanks, as it’s really not my thing and I’m trying to save money. I hope you all have a good time. Maybe I could meet you all for a hot chocolate sometime next week to catch up?’
This type of response expresses your needs while still respecting that others might have different opinions and priorities. You’re honest about what you want without trying to force others to behave differently.
Being assertive
Being assertive takes practice, but it’s a really useful lifelong skill to work on. Here are a few tips that can help you to be more assertive:
- Keep calm and use a low, clear and steady voice.
- Stand up tall and try not to fidget, as this can make you appear nervous.
- Look at the other person to show that you’re listening to their point of view.
- Express your needs and opinions clearly, honestly and openly.
- Allow others to give their opinions even if you disagree.
- Use ‘I’ statements to describe how you feel (‘I feel… when you… I would like…’)
- Do not feel you have to keep justifying your reasons, just remain polite and firm.