Have you ever thought ‘I’m unlucky’ or ‘Bad things always happen to me’? Maybe your sports team lost a match, you misunderstood your homework or a parent vetoed your plans with friends. Everyone has bad days and life won’t always go your way. But if you find yourself complaining a lot, or blaming other people when things go wrong, you may be slipping into what experts call a ‘victim mindset’. This way of thinking focuses on problems rather than solutions. Remembering that you can’t always be in control of everything that happens, but you can always decide how to react, can be a powerful way to change your mindset from victim to victor.
Who’s in control?
Sometimes it can feel like there’s a lot going on in your life that you can’t control. Claire McLaughlin is a counsellor from Therapy Belfast and says there is a particular pressure on young people. ‘You don’t yet have the autonomy of an adult,’ she says. ‘Parents, teachers and other authority figures are often making decisions for you and telling you what to do.’ Claire says this can leave you feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ when you don’t agree with their choices.
Companionship in complaining
Moaning or blaming others can also be contagious. Maybe you have a friend who always complains about the same thing? Claire says that it can be a form of bonding and gives you a sense of having something in common. ‘When you get together with friends, maybe you like to moan about your parents not letting you do something, or a teacher that you all dislike,’ she says. ‘It’s very infectious.’ You can also be affected by adults around you who have a victim mindset. If you live in a household where your parents tend to look for the negatives, you may catch yourself doing it too.
Avoiding your feelings
Putting more emphasis on the bad things that happen, rather than the good, can make you feel as though you don’t need to take responsibility for making changes. Dr Venetia Leonidaki is a consultant clinical psychologist with Spiral Psychology in London, and explains that it can also be a way of getting people to notice you. ‘Sometimes people magnify the impact of their experiences as a way of feeling heard,’ she says. ‘Maybe they have had the experience of not being listened to in the past.’ She also points out that being angry or blaming another person can be easier than acknowledging your own uncomfortable feelings. For example, if you miss a homework deadline, it could feel easier to blame your teacher or study partner, rather than admitting you should have been better prepared. Or if you have an argument with a friend it can feel easier to blame the other person, rather than examining your own behaviour.
Why it’s not helpful
Some people subconsciously look on the negative side of life as a way of protecting themselves from having high hopes for something, and risking disappointment when things don’t work out. But whatever your reasons, a victim mindset can be self-destructive, because it can make you feel as though there’s no point in striving for success or trying to improve things. A lack of self-reflection or willingness to accept responsibility for things can also harm your friendships, because moaners aren’t fun people to be around. Claire says: ‘You end up feeling like you are helpless or stuck and there’s nothing you can do about it – it can stop you from seeing the ways you might be able to help yourself.’
Catching your thoughts
One of the easiest ways to turn yourself from a victim to a victor is to challenge any negative language as it arises. The next time you catch yourself saying ‘It’s not fair’ or looking for something – or someone – to blame, stop and question that thought. What might you do to flip it around? How can you make the best of a situation? Not being picked for a drama production could give you more time to enjoy another hobby. Failing a test might drive you to study harder and improve your understanding of a subject. Try making a list of the positives.
Great role models
If you feel as if you’re surrounded by complainers or blamers, Venetia suggests looking for positive role models such as inspiring sportspeople, musicians, artists, young campaigners or people in the public eye who have resilient and positive attitudes. It doesn’t even have to be a real person, your favourite fictional character or superhero could work just as well. ‘Ask yourself how they would react in that situation,’ she suggests. ‘What action would they take to improve things?’
Understanding others
It’s likely you know someone who feels this way. It could be a family member or friend, and you may dislike being around them when they start complaining. Venetia suggests remembering there could be a valid reason for their mindset, such as a bad experience or thinking patterns that have become habits over time. You can choose to interact with them without judgement. ‘If you know somebody like this, try not to take it personally,’ advises Venetia.
For more information, visit therapybelfast.com and spiralpsychology.comHave you ever thought ‘I’m unlucky’ or ‘Bad things always happen to me’? Maybe your sports team lost a match, you misunderstood your homework or a parent vetoed your plans with friends. Everyone has bad days and life won’t always go your way. But if you find yourself complaining a lot, or blaming other people when things go wrong, you may be slipping into what experts call a ‘victim mindset’. This way of thinking focuses on problems rather than solutions. Remembering that you can’t always be in control of everything that happens, but you can always decide how to react, can be a powerful way to change your mindset from victim to victor.
Who’s in control?
Sometimes it can feel like there’s a lot going on in your life that you can’t control. Claire McLaughlin is a counsellor from Therapy Belfast and says there is a particular pressure on young people. ‘You don’t yet have the autonomy of an adult,’ she says. ‘Parents, teachers and other authority figures are often making decisions for you and telling you what to do.’ Claire says this can leave you feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ when you don’t agree with their choices.
Companionship in complaining
Moaning or blaming others can also be contagious. Maybe you have a friend who always complains about the same thing? Claire says that it can be a form of bonding and gives you a sense of having something in common. ‘When you get together with friends, maybe you like to moan about your parents not letting you do something, or a teacher that you all dislike,’ she says. ‘It’s very infectious.’ You can also be affected by adults around you who have a victim mindset. If you live in a household where your parents tend to look for the negatives, you may catch yourself doing it too.
Avoiding your feelings
Putting more emphasis on the bad things that happen, rather than the good, can make you feel as though you don’t need to take responsibility for making changes. Dr Venetia Leonidaki is a consultant clinical psychologist with Spiral Psychology in London, and explains that it can also be a way of getting people to notice you. ‘Sometimes people magnify the impact of their experiences as a way of feeling heard,’ she says. ‘Maybe they have had the experience of not being listened to in the past.’ She also points out that being angry or blaming another person can be easier than acknowledging your own uncomfortable feelings. For example, if you miss a homework deadline, it could feel easier to blame your teacher or study partner, rather than admitting you should have been better prepared. Or if you have an argument with a friend it can feel easier to blame the other person, rather than examining your own behaviour.
Why it’s not helpful
Some people subconsciously look on the negative side of life as a way of protecting themselves from having high hopes for something, and risking disappointment when things don’t work out. But whatever your reasons, a victim mindset can be self-destructive, because it can make you feel as though there’s no point in striving for success or trying to improve things. A lack of self-reflection or willingness to accept responsibility for things can also harm your friendships, because moaners aren’t fun people to be around. Claire says: ‘You end up feeling like you are helpless or stuck and there’s nothing you can do about it – it can stop you from seeing the ways you might be able to help yourself.’
Catching your thoughts
One of the easiest ways to turn yourself from a victim to a victor is to challenge any negative language as it arises. The next time you catch yourself saying ‘It’s not fair’ or looking for something – or someone – to blame, stop and question that thought. What might you do to flip it around? How can you make the best of a situation? Not being picked for a drama production could give you more time to enjoy another hobby. Failing a test might drive you to study harder and improve your understanding of a subject. Try making a list of the positives.
Great role models
If you feel as if you’re surrounded by complainers or blamers, Venetia suggests looking for positive role models such as inspiring sportspeople, musicians, artists, young campaigners or people in the public eye who have resilient and positive attitudes. It doesn’t even have to be a real person, your favourite fictional character or superhero could work just as well. ‘Ask yourself how they would react in that situation,’ she suggests. ‘What action would they take to improve things?’
Understanding others
It’s likely you know someone who feels this way. It could be a family member or friend, and you may dislike being around them when they start complaining. Venetia suggests remembering there could be a valid reason for their mindset, such as a bad experience or thinking patterns that have become habits over time. You can choose to interact with them without judgement. ‘If you know somebody like this, try not to take it personally,’ advises Venetia.
For more information, visit therapybelfast.com and spiralpsychology.com