Do you ever feel as if you’re the person everyone turns to for advice? Perhaps you’re proud you can help others – it’s a sign of your kind nature that friends feel they can open up to you. But it’s also normal to feel overloaded if you’re regularly hearing about other people’s problems. Responding with compassion while making sure you’re looking after yourself can be a tricky balance to pull off.
The challenge
‘When you listen to friends’ problems, you have your own emotional reactions to what they share, and you can sometimes feel your friend’s emotions too,’ explains Caroline Fearns, a therapist from Staffordshire in the UK, who is a member of the Counselling Directory.
While friendship often involves supporting each other through life’s ups and downs, it’s understandably difficult when it seems that hearing your friend’s problems dominates every conversation. Caroline notes that listening to these worries can sometimes be draining: ‘You might also feel like you want to fix things for them, and this can feel like a lot of responsibility. It’s important to remember that it’s not your job to make things better for them.’
You may be unsure as to what to say, or you may worry about saying the wrong thing. It can also be hard if your friends turn to you, but you don’t feel you can turn to them with your own worries.
Gentle boundaries
The fact that people feel comfortable speaking to you is a sign of your kindness. ‘Being the friend that people turn to means that others feel safe with you,’ Caroline says. ‘This is likely because you are compassionate and caring – someone they trust.’
And you might enjoy supporting others. It’s still important, though, to make sure it feels manageable. It can help to gently place boundaries. These are ways of communicating to yourself and to others what you do and don’t feel comfortable with.
‘Be honest with your friend. Let them know that you want to be there for them, but to be able to do that, you need to make sure you’re looking after yourself as well. That means them knowing when you’re able to be a listening ear and when you don’t have the energy,’ advises Caroline.
She recommends helping your friend figure out who else they could talk to. This could include another friend or a trusted adult. ‘When you set boundaries and care for yourself, you show your friend what self-care looks like – and that can be really powerful for them to witness,’ Caroline adds.
Looking after yourself
‘It’s essential to take care of yourself first,’ says Caroline. ‘There’s that saying that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, and it’s true that if you help others and don’t meet your own needs, it’s very easy to become emotionally overloaded.’
You don’t have to handle all of this on your own. Caroline emphasises that it’s good to reach out for support from a trusted adult if you feel there’s something you want to share, or you don’t know what to do.
If you’re the person others lean on, you might feel like you’re always the helper. This, Caroline says, can sometimes make friendships become one-way and draining. ‘Make sure you have fun and do enjoyable things with your friends too!’ she says.
‘Remember that your value is not tied to being the one who helps others,’ she says. ‘It can start to feel like it is your role to support people when they expect it from you. It isn’t – you’re a worthy human and friend both when you have the space to show up for others and also when you don’t.
Working out what to say
- It can be hard to know what to say when someone turns to you, especially if you’re feeling tired or have other things to think about. Caroline has handy advice on how to respond in different scenarios. You can adapt these in ways that feel right for you and the situation. When you don’t feel able to listen to your friend’s problem in that moment.
‘I can hear that you’re having a really hard time and I want to be there for you. Today, I have a lot going on and I’m feeling a bit stretched myself, so I don’t have the energy to listen right now. I really care about you, though, and I’m wondering if there’s anyone else you could talk to today?’
- When a friend tells you something you feel unable to deal with yourself, and you think you might need to speak to a trusted adult.
‘Thank you for sharing that with me. That’s a lot that you’re carrying. To make sure you’re getting the best support, I think it would be a good idea for us to tell a trusted adult. Shall we decide together who would be the best person to talk to?’
- When you don’t know how to respond to what your friend has said to you, but you want to show that you’re listening.
‘I’m not sure exactly what to say, but I want you to know that I’m here with you and I care about you.’’